Transparency

Hey y'all!!!!! It's a new month. So, I'm back for another unfiltered diatribe on things rolling around in my head. Today, I feel like I should be transparent on how I'm really feeling right now. (Although, this was supposed to have been up out last week. Which is why I'm partially frustrated.) But, I think I'm ready to decompress and talk about it. After all, this is my digital diary, right? lol

You know how you map out this whole plan and you are confident that everything is going to fall into place just the way or almost like what you've set them to? Well, that's how I'd planned my March. As the saying goes: Failure to plan is a plan for failure... Or something like that. lol Since I don't like to fail, planning is a must for me. I'm an organizer. I even have a dry erase board in my office listing all the projects I had to get accomplished for the month. See! (Please ignore my HORRIBLE handwriting, okay!)

I had all intentions of being a productive member of society in all the things: my two jobs, writing, and designing. However, out of the 7 things on the list from the board, only 2 were completed... And with the actions/reactions from the people that I did finish projects for, I don't know if I did a good enough job to their satisfaction. Some people would say, if you got paid, then let it go. But part of me feels like the payment was out of obligatory reasons and not because of their gratification of my work. And if I'm being honest, that was the reason I was hesitant about starting my business in the first place. Yes, I am overly critical of my work. But what artist isn't? I think that's why my March was in a slump. I started out great. However, once those two projects were submitted to my clients, I felt slightly unmotivated. So, here we are in a whole new month and I'm still trying to climb out of my unfulfilling mental block. I haven't written in about a month. Truthfully, writer's block is kicking my entire ass right now. And on my design side, I attempted to do a video reel for my author pages for a few different websites and NOTHING has been finished yet. I closed the software that I was working in and haven't gone back to it in weeks. I did a little bit of updating on my own websites. But that's about as productive as I got. I went to work as expected though... Kinda.

Truthfully, writer's block is kicking my entire ass right now.

The highlight of my March though... I FINALLY met my niece. And she is such a cutie. But that wasn't a surprise at all. I thoroughly enjoyed spending time with my family to celebrate her first birthday. I don't get to see that side of the family a lot because work consumes everything around me. But I'm hoping to change that soon and very soon.

For the month of April, I seriously want to get back to my writing. I miss it. The fact that it's taking so much for me to even write this post has me emotional. Like, where the hell has all my motivation gone? I don't like not being able to do the things that bring me the most joy because I can't think straight. I'd say I need a vacation. But the last couple trips I went on didn't salve it either. Although, I will say, part of the issue is that my energy is off. The funny thing is, my reading has been on HIGH. My Kindle app is hitting toward 800 titles. Some whole books, some samples. It's a hot ass mess. But I LOVE IT!

Speaking of reading, writing, and all the things... I was talking to my therapists last week and she gave me a challenge to tackle. Since I want to continue to write, and professionally at it... plus, I have a shitload of files that need to be completed, she asked me if I had a mentor. Of course not. lol I just got the nerve up to put anything out past the poetry book within the last couple of years. And I still haven't decided which genre it should be. (FYI, I'm not trying to have the next book be one of poems again.) So, my options are autobiographical or realistic fiction. And realistic fiction is my go-to for both reading and writing. That means, I can see myself leaning more toward that one. But I told her (my therapist) that I have been aligning myself with more authors in the same arena as what I want. She challenged me to reach out to one of the said authors with whom I feel I can trust with my work and send them some samples to get feedback on. I know several people I could reach out to. So, I guess the real kicker is who the hell do I turn to first?

In other news, I finally started working on the goals I set for the year. I know, I know... a whole quarter of the year has passed and I'm just now getting to it. lol But I have started working out. Well, not a full workout yet. Me and one of my homegirls have been walking the bridges downtown 3 days a week. We've walked anywhere from 2 to 5 miles each time and I'm praying to stick with it. Now, as for my other goals... Let's see how much work I can get done by the time the 2nd half of the year starts.

Send me some words of motivation, people. Ya girl needs it to boost my energy.

I want to dedicate this post to Earl Simmons, THEE Dark Man X. I've loved the spirit of this man since middle school. With every struggle he had while here on earth, he always took time to acknowledge God keeping him from completely losing it all. He will be truly missed.