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What If...?!?!?!?!?!?!?

I'm back!!!!!!!

What up, fam? I am back for another week of my randomness and unfiltered opinions. So... here's the deal. I was on one of my favorite social apps, Pinterest, awhile back and found a couple of 30 Day Challenge for writers. No, I'm not about to write blog posts for 30 days straight. But I figured the challenge could be beneficial when it came to writing, period. Since I've started the blog, I see nothing wrong with me using them as a topic starter each week if something else doesn't pop up first.

The only thing about doing these challenges is, some of them may come off as something easy to talk about while some... They may prove to be a real challenge. In fact, the first suggestion was something I had to scrap. It was about the weird things you do when you're alone. I um... didn't have anything weird to say. I mean, I sing to my dog randomly when I'm listening to music. But that's about it. The post would have been boring as hell. Therefore, NEXT!

*Queue the music. Imagine me cracking my fingers as I get into the topic that I DID choose. (After my best friends gave me numbers; lol)

Something you always think "what if..." about

Anyone who knows me, knows I have a very vivid imagination. This is why I write, duh! So, most, if not all, of my "What if" moments are sprinkled somewhere throughout the stories I work on. But that's not ready for the public yet. Therefore, I guess I can give just a few of the things I wonder about from time to time that never quite happened for me.

*****WARNING***** THIS MAY GET EMOTIONAL

I'm a Cancer. It's in my nature. So, sue me... Okay, DON'T! Because you won't get any money. Sorry, for ya. Alright, back to the topic at hand.

Fantasy Island

You know how we get asked that age-old question in school of, "Where do you see yourself in 5/10 years?" Well, I hate that question now that 5, 10... Damn, next year will be 15 years since I graduated from high school. Where has the time gone? Anyway... I hate that question because to be honest, almost none of the things I had on that list ever happened. Apparently, that's normal. But, when I think about the things I've accomplished versus the things I haven't, none of this was supposed to be this way. In fact, I'll share the page from my senior memory book from high school of what my future goals were.

Don't laugh at my horrible handwriting

So, lets unpack this thing, shall we?

Education: B.S. in Computer Science/Minor in Psychology, B.S. in Graphic Design, and an MBA in Technology Management. I am not/will not be getting a Ph.D. because I am TIRED of school. I don't care if someone else was willing to pay for it. My brain is tapped out on structural education. I still love to learn, but aht aht!

Career: As you can see, my path did not take me to Family Psychology. It only took one semester of my core classes to change my major... in the middle of the semester. Funny thing is, one of my professors was also the Academic Advisement Director. So, I had to speak with her about changing my major. She was not amused. And the jobs I have now, I like them well enough but they definitely aren't exactly what I want to do forever either. At least I can say I have my passions (Writing & Design) as part of my résumé.

Family: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Okay, let me stop laughing. I haven't had a boyfriend the first, so there's no way possible to present a husband and 4 kids out of that, am I right? I can't believe I said I wanted 4 damn kids. What the hell?!?!?!?! Either way. No husband. Not even a potential one. So, definitely no kids. I know there are other ways to have children. However COMMA I like jewelry more than I like kids so I'd rather have the ring first. And from the RIGHT person.

Home: I actually have blueprints that I designed years ago. (Graphic Design degree at work before I even got it) I own my home but it's not the one on that vision board with my blueprints I printed in color and pasted. And it's 2-story, not 3. Progress...

Car: I currently have a Toyota (Which I love) so, no Benz or Caddy sitting in my driveway. But ONE DAY, LORD JESUS!!!!!!! I'm getting my CLK. Don't believe me? Just watch! Not interested in the Escalade anymore though.

What you get...

As you can see, the goals I set for myself have altered drastically. With each year I go further into my 30s (I'll be 32 next Friday), I question whether I will actually get any of those things I've wanted and even been praying for, for years now. My life goal was to be married and done procreating by 30, living in my dream home in Houston, TX (The thought on the location came after college... the 1st degree) with a God-fearing, handsome, ridiculously tall (yes, I'm a shorty; 5'2"), successful man that the Lord said was the right one for me (Too many marry the wrong one, but that's a different post for another day). We would have a boy, a girl, and a set of twins (a boy and a girl) and we would live happily ever after. Fairy tales aren't real, so I know there would be hiccups. But for the most part, our lives would be content. However, that ish is still stuck on the mental wish list waiting to be loaded into my cart for purchase. And the whole babies by 30 thing kind of not happening considering my name isn't Benjamin Button. But will I ever get any of that life?

When people from the outside look at me, they will say they see the intelligent, educated, "successful" woman that is presented to them. I put successful in quotations because by which standard is this success true? Am I successful because I have 3 degrees? Maybe the 2 regular jobs as well as the entrepreneurial positions I hold. Is it because I have a mortgage and not paying rent? Or that I have a vehicle to drive instead of riding the bus? Those things don't make me successful in my opinion. There are plenty of successful people who ride the bus/ride-share, have a landlord, or never went to college at all. Moreover, in either position, success does not garner happiness. For all the success that other people see in me, it still does not negate the fact that I sometimes feel very lonely. Hell, I really get lonely a lot actually. And before people go down the road of; "As long as you got God, you'll never be alone", "You have friends and family that love you", or "Take your time. It's not all that it's cracked up to be"; DON'T!

For one, I know God is always with me. But He also did not create me to be a helpmate without a mate. I love my friends and family just as much as they love me. But they cannot give me the same love and passion that my future husband will. And of course, people who have gotten their heart stomped on or are now stuck in the rut part of their relationship would say it's not all that. I wonder, if they'd never experienced love in the first place, would they still want to wait it out? Or, if the love of their life was taken from them due to no fault of their own, would they not be hurting that they no longer have them?

I'm an observant person. That means, when I'm around my friends and family that have their own families, I'm watching, learning, and experiencing through their actions. I'm a sucker for love. (Insert shrug here) There is something about a husband and wife truthfully being in love with each other or a parent cherish the ability to spend time with their child(ren) that pulls at my heartstrings. Call me a sap. I'll own up to it. I don't care. I'm the one that loves to watch the cheesy romantic comedies that are predictable as shit. (Except for the Hallmark/Lifetime Christmas movies) I cry when I see the bride and/or groom cry in the wedding. I get excited to celebrate the nuptials or the announcement that a baby was produced from their love. I just love, love. And I may be a little bias, but... I really love black love. Especially since it seems to not get as much appreciation as it should... in my opinion. I may not seem like that sensitive person because some people read me incorrectly when first seeing me (RBF; sorry, not sorry) But even with all the love I get overjoyed about, that I see and get emotional about. Even the love songs that make it seem like it's something everyone should experience, I still wonder... does love even love me?

WHAT IF...

So, yes... I think all the time about what if... What if I did everything that was on my 5/10 year plan? What if the person I thought I was in love with was actually in love with me at the same time? (Because apparently every guy I've ever wanted is a f-boy or a scaredy-cat) What if my happily ever after was given to me in the timeframe I wanted it, just the way I dreamed for it to be? What if I didn't have to say what if because I'd already have it and know the answer... Would I be happy? Since I don't have my "What if’s answered, will I ever get them? And most importantly, will I be okay if I never get them?

What are some "What if..." things that you think about from time to time? Are you content with not get those answers or that/those thing(s) you question about?

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